There is a quote that says (something like) “What you are doing has got you where you are. To get to a different place you need to do something different.”

I remember being 15 years old in religion class and she talked about enlightenment. It was the first time I ever heard of such a thing, and I wanted to get THERE. At the time, I wasn’t self aware, but I knew the idea of enlightenment was something I wanted to strive for.

Fast forward to my 30’s and losing my mom to ALS while raising two young boys. This time of my life was the most devastating and traumatic I had ever experienced. I was watching my healthy active mom lose her ability to walk and move at a time when she most wanted to be in, As an OMA, a grandmother. It was almost too much to bear but I had two kids I had to raise, and life went on as best as possible.

This time in my life was a catalyst for change; my self-awareness expanded, and I knew that I didn’t want to live my life by other people’s ideals and I wanted to lead with my purpose and drive. I left my marriage and pursued my purpose of becoming the strongest version of me inside and out. Working on the outside was easy for me, I had done that all my life, training as an athlete in multiple sports and later in the gym. Over time, I came across some barriers and blockages that made me realize that I was building strength to cover my weaknesses, rather than uncover and create more balance. My injuries, limitations and habits were all dependent on my inner world and led by shame and my inability to face my own discomfort and more importantly the discomfort of others. I was a reactionary and a people pleaser and would abandon my own needs for the needs of others.

I was also so desperate for external validation and connection that I would abandon myself, including my body to create a version of myself that would get praise, validation, and connection. I could not remain aligned with my inner compass because I was too worried about pleasing the people around me to make sure I felt worthy.

Tell me I am worthy! I will show you how worthy I am! I will show you how great I am!

But no matter what I did, it was never enough. I needed more.

Then I discovered something about myself which was the key to the next level of change. Firstly, my therapist helped me discover that I hated my inner child. My inner child was exiled as weak, scared and unworthy of love, and all the parts of myself that were created were protecting me from facing that scared and weak part of myself. In fact, the lion persona, the need to be strong on the outside, was trying to mask the scared little girl exiled inside me, creating a divide.

Learning to befriend the parts of me that I was running from allowed for more space and more love to come in. I realized that I hated myself and was looking for love outside of myself. I made a pact to fall in love with myself. I made myself a playlist of love songs and listened to them daily. I started to do things that made me feel good and charged my battery. I began to listen to the bully inside my head and helped her change the way she felt about me. I stopped focusing exclusively on caring for others and began to focus on my own needs as best as I could as a mother of three and a teacher.

Little by little I began to believe what I was affirming to myself daily:

I am worthy.
I am loved.
I am enough.
I am safe.
I am learning to trust myself.
As I heal myself, I heal the world around me.

One of the songs on the playlist was “The Greatest Love of All” and this song modeled my beliefs as a teacher but also as a human. “I believe that the children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they have inside….”

But I also learned that without self-love, my job as a teacher and caregiver and igniter of lights inside children was impossible, which led to a complete burnout. I had to become a secure base for myself before I was able to be a stable and secure base for others.

“Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”

This is the game changer.

Self-compassion is the key. Once I learned about self-compassion and the different parts of self-compassion, I unlocked a part of me that I have never felt. A part that had self-belief and self-trust and a level of self-awareness and the key to the next level of my growth, which is ongoing and beautiful and painful to this day.

My purpose was always the same, “to become the strongest version of myself inside and out and to help others do the same.” but now it is coming from the inside. I am learning to trust myself and have the courage to live my life in alignment with my compass. I am still learning to embrace the scared parts of myself, and learning to love her rather than exile her, or kill her. This is an ongoing process as all my parts are learning to live with each other and I am learning to love them all unconditionally (not easy to do because some are mean and nasty).

I am becoming aware of my barriers and blockages and want to push through them but I need to take my time. These physical and mental blockages are a result of a lifetime of conditioning, habits, and actions that are deeply embedded in my identity and my daily habits. They are like knots in a rope, that if I pull, will get tighter and harder to undo. Instead, I must move slowly, and little by little the knot will become loose enough to release.

It all comes to facing discomfort and pushing through fear without falling off the edge. It is a process and it will take time but I am a committed and willing participant, and I choose to take 100% responsibility for myself and my actions. I am still learning to love myself, and learning to sit in discomfort and push through my fears, but I am taking it one day at a time.

The only way out is through. What do you know you must do, but you are avoiding it? Is there something a bit easier you can work on before you tackle the big stuff? Start with the low-hanging fruit; a simple habit, a self-compassion practice, some daily movement, or adding more veggies to your diet.

You are the strategy, and the magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding. It starts with one step, one action, repeated over time.

Today is the only day you have. Right now, is the only time. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

No one is coming to save you. Save yourself.