YOU CAN FIND MORE MOVEMENT PRACTICES IN THE MOVEMENT OFFERINGS SECTION.

Purpose:

1. Warm up your joints, move your body, and loosen up your fascial adhesions.

2. Listen to what your body. mind. heart and soul have to say as you begin your day.

3. Take time to breath and to focus on yourself and start to move your body in a healthy intuitive way.

Song: Between by Satsang

About this routine:

This small warm-up was developed as an opener for anyone who is trying to move more and feel their body more. It is guided by my words and my movements to help you learn to listen to the messages that are coming from within your own body, mind, and soul.

Your body’s messages:

• What movements hurt or create tension or pain in your body?

• What movements feel healing?

Your emotions:

• What emotions are coming out as you warm up? Are you feeling down/low or are you feeling up/high? What emotional reactions or responses are coming out when you move your body? Is it where you want to be?

Your heart and soul:

• How does it feel in your heart and your soul to be moving like this? Does it make you feel more love and compassion for yourself? Or does it make you feel anger or shame because you feel like your body doesn’t move well and you feel at fault?

Life is dynamic, shifting, and evolving in every moment, and we can choose with every breath to make positive changes in our lives that will bring us closer to our goals.

After the practice, take some time to note how you feel and ask yourself some questions:

• What do I need to be whole and complete within myself?

• What do I know I want to do but I do not do it?

• What is one small thing I can do today to move towards that goal?

Everyone has an answer to how THEY BELIEVE you should live, move, breathe, etc. but when was the last time you checked in with yourself and surrendered to WHAT IS?

It is time to turn inward learn to listen to our bodies and souls and stop letting other people tell us what is best for us. Your body, your mind, your soul, your heart… THEY KNOW. But you must feel safe enough to trust them and slow down enough to listen.

You are perfectly imperfect and whole and worthy in this moment and there is NO GOAL you need to obtain to be worthy of your own love.

You are the person you have been longing for.

Allow yourself to listen and trust your heart and your intuition and reconnect to your body and your soul as if there was NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

Because there isn’t.

Be here.

Be you.

Be brave.'

Be love.

Believe.

“Between the life that we lead and the one that we pray for,

Give us balance on the paths that there’s no need to ask for more.

Between the love that we seek and the love that’s already there,

Let is soften my soul and focus my stare.” Between, by Satsang.

Are you a hero or a villain in your own story? I believe we are all a little bit of both. Joseph Campbell describes the hero’s journey in three essential stages: seperation (sometimes called departure), initiation, and return. The concept of the hero’s journey has been explained, analyzed and argued over the internet, and I am not here to explain it nor analyse the shit out of it. Joseph Campbell’s hero journey has been a guide for my own evolution and liberation and has been a great source of comfort as I learn to walk into the dark woods of uncertainty and face my demons to emerge stronger, and more evolved in body, mind and spirit.

We all start our own journey when we are put on this earth although most will never be self-aware enough to realize this. For those who are aware and curious enough to keep reading, your hero’s journey has already begun, and has probably taken a few cycles to be where you are in this moment.

My last, and most profound cycle began on the floor of a literacy room in a local school where I was teaching. I truly believe this is where my origin story began. It was a moment of complete grief, surrender and a deep realization what what I was doing was no longer working for me. I was so externally focused on others and my external world trying to save, fix and be everything for everyone, that I no longer had access to my own internal messaging. In fact, as a reactionary, I had been ignoring and supressing the messages from not only my body, but also my mind and my soul. I was numbing with over eating, overworking, overthinking and supressing my body’s messages to slow down. I was dependent on external validation and completely unaware of this dependence and it’s negative effect on me.

Fast forward three years and I have evolved to aI completely different version of myself. One that is not only aware but also listens and is lead from an inner power source that had been suppressed for most of my life. It started in the gym and it has infiltrated all parts of my life with love, compassion, gratitude and given me more freedom and joy that I ever have had before.

I stopped trying to fix and save and change the people around me when I learned to practice acceptance and realized that a life of seamless perfecton is neither realistic or compassionate.

Instead of trying to become the best version of myself through striving and pushing and fixing and changing myself, I learned to slow down and surrender to what already is, and to live in a state of AS.IS.NESS in the here and now without striving, forcing anything, or wanting things (or people) to be different than what they are.

But this journey started with me.

Allowing myself to be who I am, and learning to nurture and love all parts of myself with radical compassion and acceptance as verbs and not nouns. That meant taking one foot and putting it in front of another and slowly going forward into the unknown. It meant learning to listen to the messages from my body and soul so I could finally feel safe enough to trust myself, let go and release. It meant being willing to slow down and be uncomfortable and to forgive all the versions of me who didn’t know any better, who were trying to push and strive and be more, because they didn’t feel worthy enough to be accepted as they were.

I am done with trying to fix and save the world to create external conditions that make me feel O.K.

The journey now is about learning to be whole and complete within myself independently of external circumstances. To be steady no matter what.

To be a lighthouse, steady on shore, shining her light on others, as they guide their own boats in to shore through my own actions

I am not there yet, but there is no THERE. So I am learning to be here and stay steady as the waves come crashing in hoping that my light can guide others to their own homecoming back to wholeness.

Our bodies are our vessel.

Our minds are the sails and our emotions the rudders.

The goal is to lead with the compass of my heart through self-compassion and self trust and slowly decrease the power of that fear and worry have over us. Disarming the heart allows us the freedom to choose our own adventure and unlocks our ability to listen deeply and trust ourselves and our unconditional wholeness. It allows us to be fully energized and experience your full aliveness and wholeness no matter what storms come our way.

I do not know where I am going, but I know that I am exactly where I want to be. One breath at a time, one moment at a time. That is all that exists and matters right now. TODAY IS THE BEST DAY EVER BECAUSE IT IS THE ONLY MOMENT WE HAVE.

Be here.

Be you.

Be brave.

Be love.

Believe.

We are all both hero’s and villains in our own story. No one is coming to save us and the universe doesn’t give a crap about us either. The only power we have comes from within us and the light from our hearts can be found only through walking through the darkness rather than avoiding it.

It begins when you decide to start and believe that it is possible and to not walk away the minute you feel resistance. This matters. You matter. You are the one you have been waiting for. It is time to surrender and trust the only person who has had your back this whole time.

You are the one. You were born to shine. Start somewhere. Rest when needed and return to the wholeness that you already are.

Evolve or die is a statement for current times: A call to freedom and peace that comes from a pivot, or a shift in our narrative and internal dialogue. We can choose to look at the state of the world, or our own lives, circumstances, and situations, and allow the darkness, fears, and uncertainty to crush us, drown us, or kill us. Or we can deal with the fact that we have little control over anything “out there” and remember that evolution and growth come from discomfort and the “breaking down” of “what is” for something stronger, more evolved, conscious, and able to overcome.

We can’t deny that there is a HUGE WAVE OF CHANGE in our society right now and everything is changing at an accelerated rate. We can’t deny that the institutions and systems that we thought would keep order and keep us safe are bursting at the seams and struggling to keep themselves from drowning. I know. I am part of one of those systems, and I can tell you with great confidence, that things are not O.K. Educators in the public system are being crushed or drowning and hanging on to dear life.

We can call it the great resignation, but instead, let us call it the great reset.

We have a choice right now. To allow ourselves to be crushed and drowned by the current situation, or we can risk accepting that this is part of our evolution as individuals and society and learn to surf the waves of fear, uncertainty, and discomfort instead of resisting, ruminating, and believing that we are doomed.

Because we aren’t.

We can choose to be O.K. with what is. We can choose to ride the wave rather than be drowned by it. We can walk through the darkness and uncertainty and believe that it is all meant for us to evolve and grow.

The only way a system changes is by changing the people within the system.

Evolve or Die.

This is a call for conscious presence and compassion for self and others. When we accept the world as it is, we can do the same for ourselves and embrace the reality that uncertainty and suffering are all part of the game of life. Who says you can get through unharmed? Who says you shouldn’t get punched in the face by life once in a while?

Instead of resisting and trying to fix and save the world and everyone in it, it is time to look inward and save ourselves. To learn that the universe has your back and that we are all whole and perfectly imperfect as we are. This is the evolution of our times. No one can save you but you. No one can save us but us, first as individuals, and then, when ready, as an evolved collective conscious whole. This is how we will evolve as a species.

Right here. Right now.

This is the only time we have. There is no “there”, only HERE and NOW. There is no better version of you, or goals to attain, or finish line. There is no person “out there” who has the answers, or that can fix or save you from yourself. There is nothing to fix or save, once you realize that you are the one that you have been searching for, and you have the power within you to do what you need to do, to be O.K.

What do you need to be O.K. right now?
How can you be whole and complete within yourself without the need to change who you are or the external circumstances, or people or things in your life?

Lean into the discomfort of what is. The AS-ISNESS of your life in the HERE AND NOW. Can you learn to just be here without the expectation that anything needs to be different than it is at this very moment? Surrender to what is and stop striving, wanting, or wishing anything could be different.

This moment, in all its pain or all its glory, is the only moment you have. It is the best day ever because it is the only thing we all have. Nothing else matters and nothing else is real.

Suffering is the tragic gap between what is and what you wish it were. It is the gap between reality and your expectation of what reality SHOULD BE. It is time to bridge that tragic gap. It is time to evolve the mind, body, and soul, to stay conscious and present and love what is instead of wishing anything were different. To stop looking for outside sources for the answers turn inward and listen to your body, mind, and soul, and reclaim your life and your right to run naked with your joy, freedom, and peace.

There is no gold star. And if you are going through rough seas, remind yourself daily how brave you are, how strong you are, how loving you are, and how capable you are to have your own back and save yourself from drowning.

Evolve or die. Feel it to heal it.

Be here.
Be brave.
Be authentically you.
Be love.
Believe that the universe is conspiring in your favor and your circumstances are a call for growth and the evolution of your body mind and soul.
All the answers are within if you are brave enough to slow down, surrender, and allow yourself the time to let your body and soul speak.

This is my purpose. My goal. To learn love what is. To be here now, and unbecome and unlearn everything that blocks my soul from being fully here, fully whole and fully loved…

Evolve or die trying.

May 15, 2022

Why, my beautiful girl,
do you need to be perfect?
So they will be proud?
So someone will see you?
Hear you?
Like you?
Love you?
But, how, my child,
will anyone love you,
if you don’t love yourself?
You are enough already.
You have always been.
Perfection is not the solution.
Self-acceptance is.
Self-love is.
Self-compassion is.
Not everyone needs to like you.
You must learn to like yourself first,
and eventually love yourself.
Stand proud of who you are.
Who you have always been.
All of you.
There is nothing to be afraid of.
Go forth sweet girl and just be.
Be you, all of you, and learn to love yourself,
Just as you are, from the inside out.
It has been too long. It is time to surrender to your soul crying out to listen to her.
Your soul, which has always known, the love within your sensitive heart, is waiting for a sign to allow her to shine her light upon the world.
Unapologetically.
Unconditionally.
Fully. Completely. Whole.

What if you weren’t meant for this?

Maybe you don’t need to push through or change to become more resilient and improve your capacity or skills. Maybe it just wasn’t meant for you. It isn’t because you aren’t strong enough, capable enough, resilient enough, or that you are weak, or too sensitive, or too scared. Maybe, just maybe, it just wasn’t meant for you. That you are made to do or to be something else. Your sensitivities, your intuition, and your ability to feel the world so deeply around you do not flourish and thrive in an environment that is chaotic, unpredictable, and emotionally draining on your empathic soul.

What if that was the case?

What if you could accept that the world needs you to move in a direction where your body, mind, soul, and energy can flourish and create beauty and healing and meaning and purpose? Does that make you “less than”? Does waving the white flag for something not meant for you a weakness? Especially, when everything in your body is telling you it is not for you.

The panic when you think about it. The work you are doing to overcome the gaps in your skills and capacity to do a job that feels impossible for you (and has from the beginning if you stop denying that to yourself). The complete exhaustion at the end of the day that keeps you from being present and full with the people who need you the most.

You will never get enough of something not meant for you, because it will never satisfy your soul. It will feel like enough because it will never be.

Because you were meant to shine. And to shine, you must learn to listen to your body, heart, mind and soul, and follow where it takes you.

Feeling uneasy, drained, and completely overwhelmed daily is a message, especially if it has been going on for days, or months, or even years. I know your sensitive heart wants to save the world and heal the children who need it most, but is there another way?

Maybe there is.

You were meant to flourish and shine, and you must allow yourself the pleasure of doing this for yourself. And you know, in your heart (and you always have), that the classroom and the school environment are not the place where you are able to do that.

And that is O.K.

And it is O.K. to feel the grief of that. Let your tears flow and your heart break. Let your body release all that it has been holding through these years, knowing that this might not be for you.

I know you know, even though you pretend that you don’t know. You have always known.

It is time to stop denying and allowing this to settle along with the emotions that go along with it.

The disappointment.
The sense of failure and loss.
The feeling of shame of not being able to overcome your limitations.
The feeling of being a quitter, a loser… weak, and lacking of skills and capacity to do something that your heart and soul truly wanted to believe it could do.
The fear and reluctance of knowing that your path will have to diverge, or else you will go down with a sinking ship.
The sadness you feel that you cannot save the world.

Feel it. It is O.K.
The kids will be O.K.
You will be O.K.
But the shame is so hard to bear. The feeling of failure of not being, or not achieving and quitting something you wanted, and longed to become. The disappointment and grief for all the love, the sweat, the tears, and the effort you put in to fight for the ones who needed the most, and the knowledge that it might not work out as you wished it would. The constant and never-ending discomfort of this inner conflict that has been swirling in your body, mind, and soul for so long, and fear for the unknown future.

You don’t need to make any big decisions. But please, my sweet girl, please acknowledge these last words: The world needs you to choose yourself. YOUR CHILDREN need you to choose yourself. It is only when you learn to choose and yourself heal from trying to become someone that you were not meant to be and begin to listen to the messages that are guiding you back to who you were born to be. A

place where you are challenged, but at peace knowing, that you are no longer trying to become

Let this be the great resignation and the great reset.

You can’t force it to be different.

It is time to choose yourself.

There is a quote that says (something like) “What you are doing has got you where you are. To get to a different place you need to do something different.”

I remember being 15 years old in religion class and she talked about enlightenment. It was the first time I ever heard of such a thing, and I wanted to get THERE. At the time, I wasn’t self aware, but I knew the idea of enlightenment was something I wanted to strive for.

Fast forward to my 30’s and losing my mom to ALS while raising two young boys. This time of my life was the most devastating and traumatic I had ever experienced. I was watching my healthy active mom lose her ability to walk and move at a time when she most wanted to be in, As an OMA, a grandmother. It was almost too much to bear but I had two kids I had to raise, and life went on as best as possible.

This time in my life was a catalyst for change; my self-awareness expanded, and I knew that I didn’t want to live my life by other people’s ideals and I wanted to lead with my purpose and drive. I left my marriage and pursued my purpose of becoming the strongest version of me inside and out. Working on the outside was easy for me, I had done that all my life, training as an athlete in multiple sports and later in the gym. Over time, I came across some barriers and blockages that made me realize that I was building strength to cover my weaknesses, rather than uncover and create more balance. My injuries, limitations and habits were all dependent on my inner world and led by shame and my inability to face my own discomfort and more importantly the discomfort of others. I was a reactionary and a people pleaser and would abandon my own needs for the needs of others.

I was also so desperate for external validation and connection that I would abandon myself, including my body to create a version of myself that would get praise, validation, and connection. I could not remain aligned with my inner compass because I was too worried about pleasing the people around me to make sure I felt worthy.

Tell me I am worthy! I will show you how worthy I am! I will show you how great I am!

But no matter what I did, it was never enough. I needed more.

Then I discovered something about myself which was the key to the next level of change. Firstly, my therapist helped me discover that I hated my inner child. My inner child was exiled as weak, scared and unworthy of love, and all the parts of myself that were created were protecting me from facing that scared and weak part of myself. In fact, the lion persona, the need to be strong on the outside, was trying to mask the scared little girl exiled inside me, creating a divide.

Learning to befriend the parts of me that I was running from allowed for more space and more love to come in. I realized that I hated myself and was looking for love outside of myself. I made a pact to fall in love with myself. I made myself a playlist of love songs and listened to them daily. I started to do things that made me feel good and charged my battery. I began to listen to the bully inside my head and helped her change the way she felt about me. I stopped focusing exclusively on caring for others and began to focus on my own needs as best as I could as a mother of three and a teacher.

Little by little I began to believe what I was affirming to myself daily:

I am worthy.
I am loved.
I am enough.
I am safe.
I am learning to trust myself.
As I heal myself, I heal the world around me.

One of the songs on the playlist was “The Greatest Love of All” and this song modeled my beliefs as a teacher but also as a human. “I believe that the children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way, show them all the beauty they have inside….”

But I also learned that without self-love, my job as a teacher and caregiver and igniter of lights inside children was impossible, which led to a complete burnout. I had to become a secure base for myself before I was able to be a stable and secure base for others.

“Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.”

This is the game changer.

Self-compassion is the key. Once I learned about self-compassion and the different parts of self-compassion, I unlocked a part of me that I have never felt. A part that had self-belief and self-trust and a level of self-awareness and the key to the next level of my growth, which is ongoing and beautiful and painful to this day.

My purpose was always the same, “to become the strongest version of myself inside and out and to help others do the same.” but now it is coming from the inside. I am learning to trust myself and have the courage to live my life in alignment with my compass. I am still learning to embrace the scared parts of myself, and learning to love her rather than exile her, or kill her. This is an ongoing process as all my parts are learning to live with each other and I am learning to love them all unconditionally (not easy to do because some are mean and nasty).

I am becoming aware of my barriers and blockages and want to push through them but I need to take my time. These physical and mental blockages are a result of a lifetime of conditioning, habits, and actions that are deeply embedded in my identity and my daily habits. They are like knots in a rope, that if I pull, will get tighter and harder to undo. Instead, I must move slowly, and little by little the knot will become loose enough to release.

It all comes to facing discomfort and pushing through fear without falling off the edge. It is a process and it will take time but I am a committed and willing participant, and I choose to take 100% responsibility for myself and my actions. I am still learning to love myself, and learning to sit in discomfort and push through my fears, but I am taking it one day at a time.

The only way out is through. What do you know you must do, but you are avoiding it? Is there something a bit easier you can work on before you tackle the big stuff? Start with the low-hanging fruit; a simple habit, a self-compassion practice, some daily movement, or adding more veggies to your diet.

You are the strategy, and the magic you are looking for is in the work you are avoiding. It starts with one step, one action, repeated over time.

Today is the only day you have. Right now, is the only time. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

No one is coming to save you. Save yourself.

Today I withdrew from my third graduate school program. I think it’s time to acknowledge that I am not made for mainstream education.

So why the f#$% am I a teacher?

I am a voracious learner. I have been reading since I was five years old. I love to dive deep and learn new things, especially about the human body, the world, and how it functions. Yet, I wouldn't say I liked school. I hated how we were forced to learn things that felt irrelevant to us. I almost failed grade four because I didn’t have the focus to learn anything that felt irrelevant to me. I also disliked my teacher (Mrs. Robyn for those who know). She wore red lipstick and was mean and told us not to use the word “nice”. She told us all that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, and she would make us put our hands in front of our mouths to say the letter W. “WWWWWHHHOOO,” she would say with her red lips and evil scowl.

In grade five, my teacher told our class that everyone did well on their projects except for one person, who disappointed her. I remember writing in my journal, telling her that I hoped it wasn’t me who sucked so badly. I still remember what she wrote in response:

“We’ll see.”

My heart still sinks when I think about it.

It was me.

When I got my project back, I was destroyed.

I am disappointed in one of you… Those words crushed my confidence, my pride, and my self-esteem.

I never recovered from that and have feared rejection and failure ever since.

School has been both protective and destructive for me. The protective parts were the relationships I had with teachers and friends who truly saw the real me. Those people were few and they made me believe in myself and helped me shine. I know their names and I remember how they made me feel. Most of the time, school was destructive. It made me feel ashamed for feeling and thinking differently, for speaking my mind, and for questioning the status quo. I felt shackled and restricted, and forced to conform. I was a good girl and I learned to do what I was told to do to get the connection I needed. I was rewarded for being good, for conforming to the rules (even if I didn’t agree with them), and for doing what I was told without questioning authority.  School is where I lost my identity for the sake of belonging and acceptance. Looking back, all I wanted was a chance to feel authentic and to be myself unconditionally and without apology. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered how much damage has been done by ignoring my inner voice and trying to mold and conform to the expectations of others.

I failed out of college.
SO Bored.

I graduated with the second-highest average from university with a full scholarship to do a PhD.

Inspired, connected, and engaged.

I dropped out of my PhD program two and a half years into it.

Loss of autonomy and lack of integrity of my peers. Way too political.

I graduated top of my class in Teacher’s College and won a prestigious award from the Ontario College of Teachers.

Inspired, connected, and engaged.

I dropped out of my Master of Education AND a master’s in Counseling Psychology.

To theoretical and impractical, WAY TOO EXPENSIVE, and too much irrelevant, busy work.

I became a teacher because I wanted to be the change in the system. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of my students, and I believe I have. However, working as a teacher has brought back so much of the trauma that I felt in school. The hierarchy, the lack of autonomy and control, and the immense amount of busy work that feels so useless. The system is rigged for me to fail as a teacher exactly in the same way that it did when I was a student.

And the problem was never the kids. The kids are the one thing that kept me going. The kids are stuck in the same system that is squeezing life out of me. And with technology, they can learn about anything they want with the touch of a finger. With AI, they can have a robot write their essays and their projects. They are not wild or feral.

School feels irrelevant and they are bored.

It is the system that is bringing us down. The system that I entered wanting to improve has taken us all hostage.

Is it time to take a knee?

Am I alone in feeling this way?

Are there other people in the system struggling like I am, feeling alone, unsafe, and desperate to walk away from a job that they could potentially love if changes were made?

Is it time for a great resignation?

Is it time to stop pretending everything is ok and walk away?

Or will it be a great reset?

 A time when we speak up and the “decision makers” finally realize that the education system is outdated and ineffective and that the change must come from the bottom up (teacher-led), and not the top down (government-mandated)?

I am not ok.

We are not ok.

This is not ok.

I am tired of pretending it is. I have lost myself trying to conform to the demands of teaching in the same way I felt when I was a student. Conform, and follow the rules, or else.

In fact, most of my learning and growth have occurred outside the walls of an academic institution, where I have had the freedom to choose what I learned, and the autonomy to think creatively, outside the box, without the fear of judgment or rejection.

I am tired, and I am tired of being tired. I am tired of fighting against a system that has little awareness of the damage it is causing our students and our teachers. No one is thriving, and most are barely surviving. Yet… Nothing happens.

All talk, no action.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t truly want to help themselves.

I am ready to choose myself and devote my energy and talents to people who do not ask for more than I can give.

I can’t save the world, but I can save myself.

We are bombarded with information daily by experts claiming they know what is best for us. They tell us what to eat, how to sleep, how to parent our kids, and how to master our thoughts, actions, and emotions. They claim they have the answers for our bodies and our minds yet not one has been in our heads, bodies, or lived our experiences.

Who are they to know what is best for me?

Do they know what it is like being told that you were too emotional, too scared, and to be a big girl and suck it up?

Do they know what it’s like to raise three boys while being a special education teacher while going through perimenopause?

Do they know what it’s like to recover from a life of body destruction in the name of fitness and health?

Do they know what it is like to watch my mother lose her ability to walk, move, and talk and then DIE when she was so excited to be a grandmother and enjoy her life?

They do not. But I do.

My body knows.

She remembers all that because she experienced it.

Some may be experts in their field and know all the facts and the studies in their domain, but they are not me. They don’t know my body and my mind. Yet, I voraciously listen to their podcasts and read their books to stop the madness of feeling not good enough.

I can be better.

I must be better.

I am falling short.

And yet, with all these experts, knowledge, and information, we are in a human energy crisis and global human function is depleting. We are no longer moving like we were born to move and being bombarded with the temptations of an easier, more comfortable life.

What’s next?

Scroll more on our phones?

Buy more useless shit?

Spend time reading and listening to experts telling us how to master our lives?

Wait for AI to give us an answer?

This is the dis-ease of EASE.

We can no longer sit long enough to sit with ourselves quietly. Our attention span has gone down to almost that of a goldfish. We no longer listen to our own intuition, our own bodies and rely solely on what the experts believe is best for us.

When was the last time you just sat, listened, and felt your own body?

And, not in THAT way you dirty birds.

I remember the first self-help (diet) book I read when I was fifteen, written by Susan Powter called “Stop the Insanity”. It was the first of hundreds of books I have read, along with podcasts and social media posts. I believe the cycle is complete and I have come full circle.

It is time.

Stop the insanity.

It is time to take our lives and bodies back. It is time to stop listening to the experts and become curious about what our own body is telling us it needs. It is time to listen to our body messages with curiosity and awareness and learn to trust ourselves and feel safe in our bodies. We must take back our power and grow our capacity to listen and care for ourselves in a way that works for us, our lives, and our circumstances.

The most important relationship we will ever have is our relationship to our body. Our self-awareness and willingness to approve, accept, and love ourselves are the keys to improving our lives and relationships with others. It is time to reconnect and rediscover our humanness. We must take back the power and teach the next generation how to listen to their intuition, so they can hear what their bodies tell them.

I started to listen to my body about a year and a half ago after spending a life being told what to eat, how to train and what to do. I was taught from a young age that I shouldn’t trust myself, through messages from my caregivers, coaches and the media.

“Don’t be a psychologist, you won’t make any money.”

“You look amazing!”

This was said to me, when starving myself and working out three hours a day.

“Don’t eat fat.”

“Don’t eat carbs or fat.”

“Wait, no meat either.”

Track your macros. Track your workout. Track your sleep.

Meditate.

Don’t let your kids have screens.

Individualize for EVERY SINGLE STUDENT IN YOUR CLASS.

Don’t forget your self-care!

Once I began to listen to my body, everything changed. My body began to heal and for the first time in my life, I learned to trust and feel safe to be myself, and to accept myself and all the parts of me. The work is never done, but it is all about the process, the progress, and getting to know the many parts of me I have kept silent and hidden all these years.

The more I listen, the more she heals, and the more she heals, the more I trust that she knows. I can’t say it was easy, but I leaned into it and allowed my body to guide me.

And as I heal myself, I heal the world around me.

I wish the same for you. Stop the insanity. Everything you need you have inside you right now. It is time to listen, realign, and rediscover what we were born to do.

The only way to optimize your body is to learn to listen, so you can physically match and emotionally attach to your unique purpose and capacity. You were born to be you.

We were all made to move.

We were all born to feel.

And we all can align to what we believe is best for us.

It is time we stop should’ing our pants and doing what we know is best for us.

I have been alive for over 44 years but I believe that my life truly began when I found my life’s purpose. Unfortunately it came from a devastating loss after my mom was diagnosed with ALS and succumbed to her illness in 2010.

The day of her diagnosis was the turning point in my life, but it took me a while to realize it. I had to face a lot of darkness and fears and keep moving forward to find the light that is now filling my life.

It wasn’t that I had a fearless heart, but I realized that life can bring great pain and loss and that I had a choice; to let it engulf me, or feel it and keep going. I decided to focus on what little light that I still had shining inside me and turn the pain into a purpose.

The little light inside was my purpose beginning to shine. 

Her death brought me face to face with my life. I realized that life was too short to be miserable. Life was too short to feel stuck. I realized that I didn’t want to wait until my kids were older to create a life that had meaning to me and connection to others. I made the decision to take personal responsibility for my life, and to motivate and inspire others to do the same.

I did not have a fearless heart. I was brave because I felt so much fear, and I did it anyways. 

When I began this journey I had no idea it would bring me where I am today. Becoming a teacher has given me the opportunity to live out my life’s purpose. I don’t know where I will be in 5 years, but I know that I am exactly where I want to be. 

The journey hasn’t been easy,. But it has been worth it.

My purpose as a teacher can be summed up with three words:

Kindness.

Belonging.

Responsibility. 

I want to build a culture of kindness with my students. I want my students to feel belonging and connection in my classroom. I want them to know that they matter and that they are loved. I want to create a community of kindness and belonging, but also one of personal responsibility. I want to teach my students how they can bring meaning and purpose to their own lives and  unleash the person they were born to be. 

This is my purpose. The little light that ignited 10 years ago has led me here. I know it won’t always be easy but it is that purpose that will guide me on the days when I need to find the light inside.

I hope that you find your purpose. You don’t have to have a fearless heart. You just need to feel the fear and do it anyways. 

You are worth it. 

Why I needed to leave you.  

Dear CrossFit, 

It has been 6 months since the Master's Qualifier, and I still haven't recovered. My knees are messed up. I can't squat, I can't go up or down stairs without pain. Some days I can barely walk. My right shoulder is messed up as well as my right elbow, and my right hip. I would say that 80% of the time, my body hurts. Not just when I exercise. All the time. 

I have focused on recovery, and still things are bad. So bad. The process of recovery is so slow. It feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I don't even care if I become "competitive" again. I don't care if I RX the workout, or beat Liz (I am always after you Liz).

I just want to STOP BEING IN PAIN.

But I don't blame you Crossfit.
 

CrossFit, it's not you, it's me. 

It started as a friendship, but it soon became an obsession. I was good at it, and I saw the progress on the white board. I loved the people, the competitive environment, and all the exercising. It became a part of who I was.

My identity: I am a CrossFitter. 

And that is when the trouble started.

I wanted it too badly. My successes and failures in CrossFit became who I was as a person. I spent all my time, my money and my energy trying to be THE BEST, and telling myself it was worth it. Looking back now, it feels like a bit of a false refuge (O.K., more than a bit).

I was overcompensating for something that was lacking in my life. I loved the success and glory of being such a badass. My strength, my body, my results, all were an overcompensation for something. A feeling of filling a void, a lack and a desperate need to prove myself... to the world? Nope.  

Truth is, I was overcompensating for a lack of self-love. I wanted to prove to myself that I was worth something. 

CrossFit was the one thing I felt I was good at, and could be successful at. It was masking the fact that there were other parts of my life that I was struggling with, and feeling like a failure. So I overcompensated with CrossFit.

It wasn't about strength, or fitness or health. It was about my ego, my self-esteem and my self worth. 

But it was never enough.

I remember celebrating after I got my first muscle up. The joy lasted a minute until I said to myself "Now I need to get two in a row."

The wanting more never ended. 

The truth is, if you are doing it for the wrong reasons, it will never be good enough. You will never be fit enough, strong enough, fast enough. You will be left ALWAYS WANTING MORE, which isn't so bad when those results are not tied to your self-worth. 

But if they are, like they were for me, it ends up being a never ending slippery slope.

And I can almost guarantee, that you will not see it, other than in hindsight, usually nursing yourself back from an injury, that probably could have been prevented had you listened to your body. 

Even if you aren't a "competitive" CrossFitter, and even when your results are not directly attached to your own self worth, Crossfit can be a slippery slope to injury if you get caught up in the competitive part of it. Even just a moment when you stop listening to your body, and  push "through the pain".

When you push harder than your body is capable of, and get caught up in the moment, you are on the slippery slope to pain, injury and regret.

Which is exactly the opposite as what you are trying to accomplish; to be stronger, faster, fitter, and more able to live your life fully. Isn't it?

I don't want to speak for anyone else but myself. I know, that until I can check my ego at the door, and love my body enough to listen to it when it is asking me, begging me to stop, I cannot be in the CrossFit environment. 

So where do we go from here? 

Is it goodbye and good riddance? Or can I heal and come back with a different outlook, and learn to listen to my body in a competitive environment? 

My hope is the latter, but only time will tell. 

Until then, know that I love you, I miss you and I hope that I can change my ways. I need to learn how to love my body as she is, listen to her when she is asking for a rest, and learn that my worth is not tied to my the way body looks, how much I lift, or whether or not I beat X (insert person's name i.e. Liz). 

It's not you, it's me.

And for the record, because of you I am stronger than I ever was before.

Despite the injuries, and the false refuge that I found in you. You really helped me find the best part of me. And more importantly, you made me aware of that fact that I need to love myself and that you, CrossFit, won't bring me that love. 

I need to find it within myself. 

With love and gratitude, 
Mia

“Attention is the most basic form of love. By paying attention we let ourselves be touched by life, and our hearts naturally become more open and engaged.” - Tara Brach

For most of my life I have been wanting more. I have been wanting to be better, sometimes different, always striving for more. As I come to the end of my 42nd year of life, I feel such clarity. Probably because I have been actively trying to pay more attention to my thoughts and my actions and it has lead me to understand myself a lot better. 

 I have come to notice that I have spent most my life repeating the same patterns, with a common theme. A theme of always wanting more for myself and my life with the line “not good enough” on repeat in my head.

I can be better.
I can do better.
Not good enough.
Never good enough. 

The theme of not good enough threatens my goals and dreams more than any other obstacle in my path. In fact, I would say that it is the only obstacle in my path, other than time, which I have no control over.

The clarity that I have found over the last little while has come from enduring a lot of pain. The good kind of pain mostly, which I am grateful for. Not bad pain. 

Bad pain is the pain of losing someone you love. Wounding pain. That is pain that doesn’t go away easily.  I’ve felt that pain too. It’s tough to go through, and it teaches you lessons of its own. But that isn’t the pain I am talking about here.

Good pain is the discomfort you feel when choosing to do something you know you must do, even though it is hard or scary, and you do it no matter what. It is usually the pain that stretches you to almost to the brink of your abilities. It is the pain that you know you must endure to learn, grow, and evolve. It is the pain when you make a decision to turn a should into a must do no matter what the circumstances. 

Three months ago I did two things: I started school and I quit drinking alcohol. These two choices left me with that pain. Growth pain? Perhaps. I would have to say it is more like “pain that leads to forced attention to your inner self and stretches you in ways you didn’t think you could”. 

The other day I was at the precipice of this pain. Stretched at the end of my limits, like an elastic band ready to recoil back, I was just trying to survive. Then, just when I thought I couldn’t take any more, my cat decided to poop in my front closet AND my laundry basket. As I was cleaning up the poop I thought to myself, “Wow Self! You always have a little more left in your tank.” No, I wasn’t shot, or diagnosed with an illness but in that moment I didn’t think I could handle anything else. But I could, and I did. And it made me realize that life will bring me pain again and again, and I will overcome it every time. 

The truth is, my new life choices of sobriety and a busy school schedule (+ 3 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats) has caused me to make some bad choices that were not aligned with my goals: Eating a lot of sugar and doing a lot of online shopping. I switched from one self-soothing addiction (drinking) to another (sugar) and another (shopping) because I was trying to suppress my thoughts and feelings of overwhelm in this crazy time in my life. 

Neither of those choices were any better than having a beer. They all had the same purpose. To numb the pain. The pain of my busy schedule, the pain of feeling like I have to sacrifice my family time to start my career at the age of 42. The pain of thinking I might have to let go of some goals, in order reach others. The pain of struggling with my partner to find a new balance so we both can take care of ourselves, each other and the kids. All of that lead to what felt like a desperate need for self-soothing. And I’m not going to lie, in the moment, the chocolate taste so good. And my new Ugg boots are awesome.

But the problem is this: You cannot get enough of the things you don’t need. It will never be enough until I find the reason for the numbness and the need for my self-soothing addictions. This leads me to my main point.

I needed a better WHY. A better why that brings attention to my addictions and changes my behaviours to align with my goals and dreams. A better why that allows me to have my last “day one”, my last “reset” and my final return back on the wagon (or getting off the wagon). There is no WAGON.

By making the choice not to drink I brought attention to the real problem, which was not about drinking at all. Does that mean I will start drinking again? No. What it means it that I have realized that it is the thoughts that lead to the behaviours that need my attention.

Why do constantly feel the need to numb myself? 

My better why is all about learning to pay attention and feel the feelings, accept the thoughts for what they are. Thoughts. This is the only way I can become the best version of myself, which has always been the ultimate goal. It is about learning to listen to my thoughts and feelings rather than numbing them. Because, just like Oprah, I know one thing for sure: I am the only person who can call myself on my own internal bullshit when I think it, or feel it. I know when my choices don’t align with my values and my goals. I know when I am full of shit trying to numb a pain that I know won’t go away until I deal with it. 

My better why is not saying I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN… or never eat my weight in McDonald’s Big Macs. It is about pausing, and saying to myself: Not right now, not today, and surrounding myself with people who are going to make me accountable. Accountable so I make choices that align with my values and my goals so I can live my life with the most presence and energy I possibly can. Right now. 

I can only be me, right now. Future me is all about my choices right now. So for today, I will do my best to turn off my emotional auto-pilot. And when the pain comes, I will listen to those feelings and show up, remember my why and take a small deliberate step in the right direction.

Victor Frankl said it best: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space, is our power to choose our response. In our response, lies our growth and our freedom.” 

And that is what my better why is all about: FREEDOM. The freedom to live my life in line with my core values in order to reach my goals and dreams. Or at least not numb myself along the way.