The Great Resignation or the Great Reset?

Today I withdrew from my third graduate school program. I think it’s time to acknowledge that I am not made for mainstream education.

So why the f#$% am I a teacher?

I am a voracious learner. I have been reading since I was five years old. I love to dive deep and learn new things, especially about the human body, the world, and how it functions. Yet, I wouldn't say I liked school. I hated how we were forced to learn things that felt irrelevant to us. I almost failed grade four because I didn’t have the focus to learn anything that felt irrelevant to me. I also disliked my teacher (Mrs. Robyn for those who know). She wore red lipstick and was mean and told us not to use the word “nice”. She told us all that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, and she would make us put our hands in front of our mouths to say the letter W. “WWWWWHHHOOO,” she would say with her red lips and evil scowl.

In grade five, my teacher told our class that everyone did well on their projects except for one person, who disappointed her. I remember writing in my journal, telling her that I hoped it wasn’t me who sucked so badly. I still remember what she wrote in response:

“We’ll see.”

My heart still sinks when I think about it.

It was me.

When I got my project back, I was destroyed.

I am disappointed in one of you… Those words crushed my confidence, my pride, and my self-esteem.

I never recovered from that and have feared rejection and failure ever since.

School has been both protective and destructive for me. The protective parts were the relationships I had with teachers and friends who truly saw the real me. Those people were few and they made me believe in myself and helped me shine. I know their names and I remember how they made me feel. Most of the time, school was destructive. It made me feel ashamed for feeling and thinking differently, for speaking my mind, and for questioning the status quo. I felt shackled and restricted, and forced to conform. I was a good girl and I learned to do what I was told to do to get the connection I needed. I was rewarded for being good, for conforming to the rules (even if I didn’t agree with them), and for doing what I was told without questioning authority.  School is where I lost my identity for the sake of belonging and acceptance. Looking back, all I wanted was a chance to feel authentic and to be myself unconditionally and without apology. It wasn’t until recently that I discovered how much damage has been done by ignoring my inner voice and trying to mold and conform to the expectations of others.

I failed out of college.
SO Bored.

I graduated with the second-highest average from university with a full scholarship to do a PhD.

Inspired, connected, and engaged.

I dropped out of my PhD program two and a half years into it.

Loss of autonomy and lack of integrity of my peers. Way too political.

I graduated top of my class in Teacher’s College and won a prestigious award from the Ontario College of Teachers.

Inspired, connected, and engaged.

I dropped out of my Master of Education AND a master’s in Counseling Psychology.

To theoretical and impractical, WAY TOO EXPENSIVE, and too much irrelevant, busy work.

I became a teacher because I wanted to be the change in the system. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of my students, and I believe I have. However, working as a teacher has brought back so much of the trauma that I felt in school. The hierarchy, the lack of autonomy and control, and the immense amount of busy work that feels so useless. The system is rigged for me to fail as a teacher exactly in the same way that it did when I was a student.

And the problem was never the kids. The kids are the one thing that kept me going. The kids are stuck in the same system that is squeezing life out of me. And with technology, they can learn about anything they want with the touch of a finger. With AI, they can have a robot write their essays and their projects. They are not wild or feral.

School feels irrelevant and they are bored.

It is the system that is bringing us down. The system that I entered wanting to improve has taken us all hostage.

Is it time to take a knee?

Am I alone in feeling this way?

Are there other people in the system struggling like I am, feeling alone, unsafe, and desperate to walk away from a job that they could potentially love if changes were made?

Is it time for a great resignation?

Is it time to stop pretending everything is ok and walk away?

Or will it be a great reset?

 A time when we speak up and the “decision makers” finally realize that the education system is outdated and ineffective and that the change must come from the bottom up (teacher-led), and not the top down (government-mandated)?

I am not ok.

We are not ok.

This is not ok.

I am tired of pretending it is. I have lost myself trying to conform to the demands of teaching in the same way I felt when I was a student. Conform, and follow the rules, or else.

In fact, most of my learning and growth have occurred outside the walls of an academic institution, where I have had the freedom to choose what I learned, and the autonomy to think creatively, outside the box, without the fear of judgment or rejection.

I am tired, and I am tired of being tired. I am tired of fighting against a system that has little awareness of the damage it is causing our students and our teachers. No one is thriving, and most are barely surviving. Yet… Nothing happens.

All talk, no action.

You can’t help someone who doesn’t truly want to help themselves.

I am ready to choose myself and devote my energy and talents to people who do not ask for more than I can give.

I can’t save the world, but I can save myself.